Another Journey

Well, as they say, there's no place like home. I'm awfully glad Debbie got me those "ruby" slippers and put them in my Joy Box at the beginning of this journey (so many months ago). They work like a charm. A couple of clicks of the heels and doctors let me go home.
I had surgery on Tuesday, as Rob said it was a long day for him, and a longer night for me. I remember asking the nurse around 4 a.m. if that was really the time. I had a Demerol pump, which I didn't think I used that much, but I was really dopey a lot of Wednesday. I remember my doctors coming in... I don't really remember our conversation. However, having said that, I was up and walking the hallway by the afternoon. Marion and Kelly came to visit, bringing with them a hot turkey dinner (much better than hospital food). I had a needle in my right wrist which made it difficult to use that hand. I was trying to do a crossword puzzle and it turns out I don't print well with my left hand, a deficiency my two left-handed friends couldn't understand. I guess I'll have to practice more.
I was freed from the hospital on Thursday and Rob brought me home. I'm taking Tylenol and Advil for pain, plus antibiotics to avoid infection. I'm pretty much taking it easy. I have six drains to manage so I made a little hand-sewn bag to hold them in which ties around my waist. When I left the hospital they were pinned to my clothes, which wasn't very comfortable.
I have a follow-up appointment Monday and hopefully at least two drains will come out then, but it may take up to three weeks for them all to come out.
As for the new "girls" everyone who's looked at them says they look beautiful. I have to admit its a little hard to tell right now, but I'm sure they're right. I know my green blouse I wore home finally looked right.
Typing is a little uncomfortable, so I'll keep this short. I'll update again on Monday following my appointment.

Another surgery done.

Hey Sue nation. Rob here.

Well, it was a long day all around, but the surgery went very well and she's awake, back in her own private room (an unexpected bonus, as we were expecting a ward bed), and looking forward to resting up and getting back home again. They took her in shortly after 7am, and finished up around 2:30. She spent another three hours in recovery before I got to see her, but she was in a lot better shape and spirits than the last time I saw them wheel her up from recovery!

She has six drains in, and at least some of them will likely be with her for several weeks. She'll be in hospital anywhere from two to four nights, and I expect the release date will be determined by drains, as was the case last time. They made her put on thigh-high compression stockings beforehand, and she'll have to leave them on until she's up and around and the risk of clotting is past. She'll be on blood thinners as well for a few days.

I'll let Sue tell you the rest when she's back home. All is well!

Living the New Normal

For the first time in more than two years I purchased a bra. It isn't pretty, there's no fancy lace or sexy satin. This is a post-operative sports bra required for my surgery next week. It's pretty exciting.
I have to admit it was a little challenging, after all, what size do I purchase?
I finally had to email the doctor's office to ask. I ended up with a C, my new girls may be a little smaller, but with swelling, dressing etc. I thought it would work.
Today was my pre-admission clinic at the hospital. I had my blood taken, my blood pressure checked, met with a nurse, the anesthesiologist and had an EKG.
I'm ready to roll.
On Monday I have an appointment with the surgeon where he'll make markings to help him during the surgery.
Then, bright and early Tuesday morning, I'll be at the hospital where I'm scheduled for surgery at 8 a.m. It's a seven hour surgery and I'll be hospitalized for two or three days before coming home. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly and by the weekend I can be in the country and do most of my recuperating there. I expect I may have to come back to the city for a check-up between Christmas and New Year's. I'll know more next week.

Understanding the New Normal

On Halloween weekend I was in Toronto at the Canadian Breast Cancer Network’s (CBCN) National Conference for Young Women Living with Breast Cancer “Body, Mind Spirit. It's taken me this long to reflect on the event before I could write about my experiences.

One of my take-a-ways from the conference is it takes time to find a new normal and it isn’t an overnight process. Most of the women I spoke with said when they began engaging with life again they put their energies into new priorities. As one woman aptly put it, “survivorship is a lot of work; it takes time to feel comfortable in your own skin.”

I have to agree with that statement. I worry about every bruise, bump and skin discoloration. I think about the long-term, it's one of the reasons why Rob and I bought the country property. We don't want to put off what makes us truly happy until later, just in case. I look at the recent death of my Aunt Sheren and vow to live for today as well as tomorrow. At 64 she died of lung cancer, after successfully beating back breast cancer close to two decades ago. She was a stalwart supporter of me during my treatment and I'll miss her. She would appreciate what it means to go through reconstruction and would admire the new "girls".

Cancer changes you, whether you want it to or not. It’s not just the physical changes either – the loss of hair, the gain of weight – there are numerous psychological changes as well, and it is how you deal with these changes which really matters.

The conference reinforce those thougths and had something for everyone. There were 36 workshops in total dealing with a diverse range of topics from sexuality and babies after cancer, living green and eating healthy to advocacy and financial health. Exhibits provided information on hair options, reconstruction and various support groups and resources available to women (and their families).

I took the living green workshop, meditation, belly dancing, yoga, advocacy and understanding survivorship. Plus there was a film presentation on Friday evening and our guest speaker on Saturday was cancer survivor Biff Naked. She held the audience spellbound for the hour and half where she shared her story.

However, the best part of the event was the opportunity to hear the stories of othe women. To share their highs and lows, their concerns, their successes and know I've joined a sisterhood of sorts which where there will always be someone who can support me, listen to be and just be there, because she's been there.

I want to say a special thank you to and recognize the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation – Atlantic Region which, through its bursary program, funded the cost of attending the conference including registration, accommodation and airfare. Without their support I wouldn't have had this opportunity.

Thanks as well to Lisa C. who first told me about the conference and the bursary program.

The Journey Continues

Have you ever wondered what the Hero does when he returns to his village? Does he long for the days on the road, the dust and moments battling monsters? Does he wonder what would have happened if he took the right fork instead of the left? Does he sit back by the fire and enjoy the stories the elders tell of his exploits?

This is why there are sequels. Second, third, tenth books about our hero and the latest adventure. The truth is, once you start out on the road you can never go back to what you were before.

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of the day I received a clean pathology report. It seems like it has been a long journey to get here. One year. It's fitting, I guess, that this week I finally got news about the reconstructive surgery (a little side trip, or my sequel, if you will).

This surgery is about getting firmly on the path to normalcy. I would never have guessed at how difficult it is to not have breasts -- clothes don't fit properly, seat belts slide around and I feel like I hunch forward. Okay, difficult may be a stretch, but I'll be glad to have them again. The new breasts will be my Christmas gift to myself, as the surgery is scheduled for December 14. The good news is the holiday season slows down a bit in my department, so unlike my last leave this one should have minimal impact to the team and will be much shorter.

I'll also be taking another trip, one which would never have happened if it weren't for the cancer. I will be attending the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation Young Women Living with Breast Cancer Conference. The event takes place October 29 to 31 and includes a variety of workshops and speakers dealing with topics from BRCA to living after breast cancer. I'm very excited about the opportunity which is being funded by the Atlantic Region chapter. I will be one of 16 from the region attending. I booked my airfare and hotel today.

While I never want to go through this experience again, surviving breast cancer has provided me with a number of opportunities which would otherwise never be present. For these silver linings and unexpected adventures I am grateful. If the cost is sharing my story, well, it is a toll worth paying.

Year One Check Up

Wow. I can hardly believe it has been almost a year since I had a double mastectomy.

Today I had my first regular check up with my surgeon. Fortunately I can report everything was fine. She says there are no bumps or any signs of the cancer returning. She also indicated the scars were very nicely healed.

I have to admit I was very apprehensive about this visit. It's been about seven months since radiation finished and more than a year since I finished chemo -- long enough, in my opinion, for something to start growing again. I'm sure these are normal fears for someone who has taken this kind of journey. I was exhausted by the time I got home and I can only imagine this was caused by the strain related to worrying about what this appointment would bring.

My surgeon reminded me again to live a life of "want to dos" instead of a life of "should dos" and she admonished Rob to remind me of this from time to time.

My next appointment with her will likely be in about six months, although that will partially depend on the dates for reconstructive surgery. She seemed somewhat disappointed that I didn't yet have a date scheduled.

My hair has grown quite a bit, it's now about four (maybe five) inches in length and is curly. I'm letting it grow, just because I can and because I've never had curly hair in my life (except for the odd perm here or there.)

Meanwhile, in less than a month we'll take possession of the country property. We're both looking forward to this and trying hard not to count the days because we don't want to rush the summer. Overall, this year is much better than last year and we're very happy to be taking a much more exciting and enjoyable journey.

Working Full Time

It's happened. I've just wrapped up my first week of full-time hours; my first full month back in the office. As with every part of my journey, I've relied heavily on my mentors and teachers to get me through.

Going back to work has been a huge adjustment. While my energy is pretty good overall, the first few weeks I found myself completely wiped out by Friday night. This week, isn't quite as bad and that's quite impressive considering one late night when the girls and I went to see a movie and two nights of restless sleep.

Kelly and Marion, as always, have been incredibly supportive. Deb B spend countless hours the first week getting me set up with computer access and in general hooked up with the IT group. The rest of my team: Julie, Bob, Kathy, Mike, Socrates, Jon and Shawn have all be extremely helpful and exceptionally patient as I tackle new projects and play catch-up. Bob is setting up another session with me to go over some our training goals and guidelines. He's our project manager and has been infinitely patient with my myriad questions and occasional bumbling. He put it very succinctly today when he said "You must feel like Rip Van Winkle." And it is true; by times I feel like I'm still wearing hoop skirts while the rest of the team is operating flying cars.

In general my return to work has been quite smooth. And I owe it to a wonderful team, an excellent group at the call center and wonderful peers in other departments. I'm very lucky.

With all that said, I am looking forward to my first long weekend. It's amazing how much more important weekends become when you're working every other day. I'm planning strawberry picking with the girls, some hiking with my boys (Rob and Cole) and probably visiting the local farmer's market.

I'm still waiting for a date for reconstructive surgery. The plastic surgeon was only given two surgery dates all summer and these are being reserved for emergency surgeries. Meanwhile, I have a follow-up appointment with the surgeon who did my mastectomy on August 2. I can't believe it is more than a year since I finished my final chemo and almost a year since I had surgery.

Odds and Ends

Facing an illness, such as breast cancer, helps put a little perspective on your life. For me, at least, it moved the dreams we have for the future to the present. We have always wanted a farm. Some place where I can have a horse, where we can grow our own vegetables and raise a few chickens.

It has always been, when we retire, we'll ____. But facing a serious illness truly makes you realize that you may not have a future. So this past winter we started seriously watching the real estate listings in the Valley and looking at our options. We viewed at a couple of different places ranging in size from four to twenty-five acres. We were looking with an eye to a place within commutable distance to my work (Rob can work from any where with high speed Internet).

Then our real estate agent called with a property we both determined was too far away...until we went to see it and walked the fields. It's perfect. An old farm house, fields, a barn and view of the Bay of Fundy from the back field. We put an offer on it and now we have a weekend place. Now we're just waiting until September 1 to take possession.

While may not be able to raise chickens right away we do plan to garden as early as next year. This fall we'll walk the property and assess how many apple trees are on it and we may even plant a small orchard right away.

It's important to find a life/work balance and not put all your dreams off to the future and we're trying to find that balance every day.

Back to Work

After more than a year off I'm heading back to the office. I start a return-to-work transition program on June 1. The first week back I'll work four hours and then each week following I'll add an extra hour a day per week until I'm back to full time.

I have mixed feelings. I'm anxious to get back to work, but we're just starting summer and I would enjoy having a summer off when I didn't feel like crap half the time. Last summer I couldn't fish or golf or garden to any great extent because I was tired from the chemo. What a difference a year makes.

Oh well, I will be good to get back into the swing of things. It's one more sign that my journey is near its end and life is returning to normal.

Next Step -- Reconstruction

I met today with my plastic surgeon to discuss the next phase of my journey -- reconstruction. I first met with him last August when I decided to move forward with the double mastectomy. This has provided an even platform on which he can create his masterpiece.

Today he checked the chest area, looking at where I had radiation and the abscess following the mastectomy and pronounced they are well healed and ready for surgery. He took a pre-surgery photo today for my file. We discussed the process, known as latissimus dorsi flap. This is where the surgeon removes muscle from the back just below the shoulder blade and repositions is in the breast area by bringing it forward through a channel under the arm. The surgery will take six to seven hours and hospital recovery will be two or three days. Post-surgery recover can take two to four weeks, depending on the individual.

An implant is also inserted into the breast (under the new muscle). This is what will give the new breasts their size and shape. Getting the actual size exact could take some tweaking but this process is done under a local anesthetic. I'm looking forward to having new breasts. Shopping for clothing has been tedious and it's hard to find clothes which fit and don't hang in that area.

One of the concerns I have is related to the problem the last anaesthesiologist had finding usable veins in my arms. My surgeon doesn't think it will be an issue again and instructed me to drink lots of water the night before. Worse case scenario, he says they'll use a neck vein for the surgery.

Of course, now that summer is upon us, it looks like I won't be scheduled for surgery until August, but more likely September. I won't know for a couple of months yet as the surgeons only get a three-month schedule of OR time and the next schedule won't be out until the end of June. Meanwhile, it looks like I'll be heading back to work. I have a tentative back-to-work date for Tuesday and I'll go back on half time to for the first week, gradually building up hours to full-time.

Forward Momentum

I was reminded this weekend past that I didn't update my blog after my last doctor's appointment. I met with my gynecological oncologist on April 7 at the four-week mark following my hysterectomy. All was well. She says the scaring will hardly be noticeable in a year. She was very pleased with how well things are healing and gave me the go-head to get back to normal activities. At which point I promptly started clearing out the room I use for a studio, ripped up the torn linoleum, painted and, with Rob's help, installed new laminate flooring.

I've been experiencing hot flashes (one of the key symptoms of menopause) and my doctor said I could try an herbal compound with red clover to see how it works. I have one friend who recommended it because she's had very good results. I think it's working somewhat...I'm either having few hot flashes at night, or I'm learning to sleep through them. Either way, I like getting a good night's sleep.

I'm still waiting to hear from the plastic surgeon about an appointment but otherwise I'm finally starting to feel more like myself (a year later). My hair has grown in nicely and is quite curly, which is a nice change, although a challenge to deal with.

I've had cards recently from Kathy W, my boss Julie and a package from Bonnie M which included a beautiful scarf, a broach and a lovely card.

On the down side, Kathy E's husband was diagnosed with a recurrence of lung cancer (although last I heard treatment is going well) and the husband of one of my friends from the Valley was diagnosed with a tumor on his neck and is beginning treatment in the next week or so.

I bought daffodils this weekend from the Cancer Society and I couldn't help but think when will we find a cure for this disease.

Wearing the Mentor Mantle

I had a makeover this week...or at least my face did. I ran out of eyeliner...completely out. I had worn down all the little bits and samples I had until I couldn't hold them any longer. I need to put in a Mary Kay order, but I just haven't gotten in touch with those who regularly order from me. Rob was shopping for shoes and dress pants at Sears (he's out of town next week on business) and I wandered by the make-up counters.

The woman was very helpful, asking what brand do I normally use, is a pencil or a twist etc. I explained that I normally used Mary Kay, but that I had tried some products new to me earlier in the year. I lowered my voice..."I had breast cancer," I said. "I went through the Look Good, Feel Better program and used a number of different and new products."

That started, not only a new look -- I now wear slate coloured eyeliner -- but also lead to her talking about her mother who also had breast cancer. It turns out this woman is my age and scared of developing the disease. She had many, many questions...how did I discover it, what was my treatment. Meanwhile, I went from trying a new colour of eyeliner, to a bit of mascara, some tinted moisturizer (which, I really like and will probably order some the next time I place a Mary Kay order). Then she added a bit of eyeshadow, some blush and little bit of lip gloss. The entire time I answered questions and watched Rob drift in and out of my peripheral vision.

I rarely bring up the topic with strangers, but in this case I, well, I felt compelled. And, as I have been all along throughout my treatment I was open and honest about what I went through. She was the nicest woman and before each question she would say..."now don't answer if you feel this is too personal..." But I did answer and I think perhaps it helped her; for herself and possibly understanding her mother.

We never know who we're going to meet along the road we travel. We don't know what chance comment is going to impact a person or what seemingly trivial information we pass along may become life-changing for another. In the end I gave her my blog address to share with her mother. I don't know if they'll look at it, but if they do hopefully they'll see that each one of us is taking her own journey and with the help of mentors we'll come through it with the elixir and a personal strength. And, if we're very lucky we'll find out more about what's inside of us, than what's outside. Although...a new eyeliner can go a long way towards making you feel like a new woman.

Post Surgery

It is Monday, almost a week since I had surgery and I'm feeling really good. I still look like I am a junky with needle marks and bruises all over my arm. I counted, and as near as I can tell the good anesthetist tried at least a dozen times to find a vein in my right arm before admitting defeat and moving to my left. The bruises have reached that stage where they are a lovely green/yellow with the dark purple center. Ah well...we'll just call them war wounds.

I'm not feeling any pain and haven't taken so much as a Tylenol since Friday. Yesterday Rob and I took Cole for a brief walk. He was so wound up...the poor dog has cabin fever big time, but he doesn't like to be outdoors by himself. He is such a big baby.

I have a follow-up appointment with my gynecologist on April 7. I'm still waiting for an appointment with my plastic surgeon, but don't really expect to have one until June.

Richard and Dianne sent a huge basket of fruit to help me get well. It was too heavy for me to lift. Of course I'm only allowed to lift up to five pounds...so it doesn't take much, a pot of water is too heavy to lift. I've had cards from Gale Gal Joyce, Aunt Myrtle and Kathy from Colorado in the last week or so. Ryan and Denise brought out the fruit basket for Di and Richard and brought me a bottle of red wine as well. We had a great visit with them. We had locked the dogs up so they wouldn't be in their faces all evening and Denise insisted we let them out so she could say hi to them before they left.

Everything is going smoothly...hopefully no set backs will occur and I'll be healthy to enjoy the spring and summer this year.

Home Again

It is so good to be home again. I got home early this afternoon and immediately curled up on the couch and slept. Last night I was interrupted regularly from sleeping by the nurses and the helicopter landing on the roof.

Overall, feeling pretty good. A little tired, a little gassy, a little sore. I've been taking Extra Strenght Tylenol to control the discomfort.

Thank you to everyone for your good thoughts and best wishes. I received a card from Gale Gal Joyce yesterday.

I'll write more in a few days...I'm ready to curl up on the couch again.

Surgery over. All is well.

Hey folks, Rob here.

Sue is out of surgery and recuperating at the IWK. It took them about 45 minutes this morning just to find a viable vein to start the anesthetic IV, and she bled a little more than expected, so between those two things her surgery didn't end until around 1:00 or so. They were supposed to start at 8:45 and be done by noon, so by the time the surgeon came out to talk to me I was starting to climb the walls of the waiting room. However, she said everything went well and there was no visual evidence of any abnormalities to worry about. I'm assuming they'll take some tissue samples and do a path report, but I may be wrong on that.

Sue looked *much* better when they brought her up to her room than she looked after her first surgery. No nausea either. They suppposedly gave her some motion sickness meds before moving her upstairs, and she kept her eyes closed as well to try and head off any vertigo.

Barring any setbacks she'll be able to come home tomorrow, hopefully in the morning.

Thanks to all of you who sent thoughts, prayers and best wishes!

Phase 2

In the morning I'll have surgery again. This time to prevent possible development of cancer down the road. The BRCA1 gene makes me more susceptible to developing ovarian cancer than the average person. Because science has yet to develop a reliable test I'm opting to remove my ovaries and uterus in an effort to mitigate the risk.

My surgery is expected to take about three hours. I'm having a laproscopic assisted hysterectomy and I expect to hospitalized one night.

I had lunch will Kelly and Marion today, finished and assignment for my course, did some laundry, picked up a few groceries and I'm making a turkey for supper (so we'll have leftovers for a few days). I should be vacuuming the house as well...but I've run out of energy.

We attended a funeral for Rob's uncle Ken this week. All of his aunts were fussing over me and wishing me the best of luck for tomorrow. Hey, anything I can do to distract them from the loss of their brother.

Rob will update my blog, just as he did when I had my last surgery. I'll try to get on by the weekend, but no promises.

One Year

A year ago today I had my first appointment at the Cancer Center. I started chemo two days later. I can't believe it has been a year.

A lot has happened during that time. Surprisingly a lot of it was good. I may have lost my hair to the disease, but it has grown back. Now I have curls, which is a novelty and I look pretty good in short hair. In fact my new driver's licence photo may be the best one I've ever had taken.

I've grown closer to family and friends...this may be evidenced by the 154 cards I received and the numerous trinkets and gifts.

I've learned to cherish the small moments as well as the big ones.

I got to participate in Casting for Recovery.

After more than 50 trips across the city I appreciate the fact that I live here and didn't have to drive into the capital from eleswhere in the province. However, after all of this I very much want to move back to the country where I have space to grow a garden and room to roam.

I appreciate the fact that I have a good drug plan. Out of pocket I paid $145.25 for my various prescriptions. Less than I paid for parking which came in around $190.

Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with my radiation oncologist. He is very pleased with my progress and won't need to see me again. Follow-up from here on in can be done by my family doctor and my surgeon.

Really?

Who could imagine that after the year I've had I can be checked twice a year by my family doctor and once a year by my surgeon? Shouldn't I have monthly blood work? Scans? Tests? But no; no blood work, no tests, no scans. Check ups are basic and consist mostly of examining my chest wall for signs of lumps. It is a little scary. I don't want to go through this ever again.

My doctor says it will probably take a year for my skin to completely recover from radiation. It is still discolored (it looks like I was in the sun and my shirt had a big hole in it). The area on my neck where the skin blistered is still itchy and he says it will continue to be for awhile.

Tomorrow starts the next little chapter of my adventure. I attend a pre-surgery clinic for my hysterectomy. The main event is scheduled for next Wednesday (March 10).

Notes from the Road

They say every cloud has a silver lining. It took a long time for me to see the silver lining of having cancer (and frankly I think the silver lining idea is a bit tarnished) but one of the benefits was qualifying for Casting for Recovery. This program provides cancer survivors with an opportunity to meet other individuals battling or recovering from the disease as well as learn a new skill. Fly fishing is a wonderful, relaxing sport which provides exercise, an opportunity to be in the outdoors and a chance to participate in an activity which can be done pretty much anywhere there is water.
Ten women were selected to participate in the most recent Casting for Recovery event and we were flown from Toronto to Bermuda earlier this month.

While away I kept a few notes which I'll share below.

February 12
Today we arrived in Bermuda. The sun broke through the clouds as we exited the airport. The water here is turquoise -- the most beautiful shade of blue I've ever seen.
We drove across the Island and after posing for a group picture at the "Unfinished Church" we stopped for lunch at the restaurant Indigo. It was very good and offered a wide array of dishes from local seafood to Indian cuisine. I ordered a thin-crust pizza with pineapple and shrimp.
We spent the rest of the afternoon at a mystical spot known as the Crystal Caverns. The words "Simply Incredible" do not do the caves justice. Even here, hundreds of feet below the surface the water is an incredible aqua blue. The cave ceiling drips with stalactites which were met with stalagmites growing up from the floor. The water was twenty feet deep in places and crystal clear. The underwater crystals reminded me of the corals found in aquariums. It takes a hundred years for one of the skinniest crystals to grow six inches. Most of the structure in the cave was hundreds of thousands of years old.
A floating boardwalk allowed us to walk through the caves. In the past people explored it by boat. Our leader guided us through a session of meditation. We shared how this trip had shaped/affected us. Then we sat quietly with the stillness of the cave working its magic on our souls. A cat lives at the site and it sat in my lap purring as I breathed in the purifying air of the cavern. The sound of water gently lapping the boardwalk and dripping from the ceiling was the only other noise which disturbed the quiet. It was the perfect way to unwind after the hustle of travel.
We ate a late supper at a restaurant not far from our hotel. I had fish soup and bruschetta. The soup is quite different from anything I've had before and is a dark broth-based soup.
Our room is lovely. The bathroom is very luxurious. The bed was a king and we had to have housekeeping come and split it apart and remake it to give myself and my roommate our own sleeping area.
I don't think I'll have any trouble going to sleep tonight.

February 13
Today we received a special Casting for Recovery pin at breakfast. These pins are fashioned like a salmon or trout fly and will serve as a reminder of our trip for years to come.
The winds were howling today and precluded us from doing any casting. We ended up touring the island by taxi. We had hoped to take a ferry from one end to the other but the winds were so strong the ferry stopped running. We toured the old naval yard which has been transformed into shops and tourist attractions. Here we took turns standing in the tip of the Bermuda Triangle. The old building have been retrofitted and one portion is used as a glassblowing workshop. They make stunning pieces there working with colours which are reflective of the local landscape -- crystal clear blues, pale pinks, vibrant greens and deep glossy black.
At lunch we ate a place called Bernard's. I ordered the jerked chicken wrap. It was delicious. They served it with fries and salad. Now that's my kind of place -- catering to both my sensible and impractical sides.
I purchased a book about a woman who moved to the Island "Tea with Tracey". I started reading it but I'm too tired to go on.
Supper was at the same restaurant as the previous evening. I shared a pizza with one of the ladies.
We wrapped up our evening with a candle-light meditation (for lack of a better word) where we had time to reflect. We were asked to share to adjectives friend and family would use to describe us. It was really lovely.
I received a copy of "What a Catch" featuring Kathryn fishing in South Africa.

February 14
Valentine's Day. This damned Bermuda weather. The wind was still blowing this morning and safety reasons kept us from fishing. We kept waiting and waiting for the wind to die. Fortunately it was sunny. We decided to call our group the Gale Girls in honor of the weather.
We did have our first lesson this morning. After breakfast we returned to the hotel where Kathryn went over the basics -- the difference between fly fishing and spin casting. She talked about rod weight, line types, reels, leaders, tippet and backing. We then practiced our casting loops with short rods and orange yarn in the breezeway outside the rooms.
Lunch was at the restaurant Rustico -- it is my favorite place yet. I had the salad which was greens with scallops, shirmp, tender pieces of beef and succulent morsels of chicken. This was topped with shredded parmesean and tossed with a champagne vinegrette. I was feeling virtuous after the salad (which was divine) and ordered cheesecake and cappuchino. I'm sure I've gained back the weight I lost before the trip...but for this meal it was worth it.
This afternoon we went to the aquarium and zoo. They have these huge tanks full of fish indigenous to the area. I was like a child in a candy shop...moving from tank to tank I snapped photo after photo knowing only a handful will turn out. It was as close to being underwater with the fish as a person could get without getting wet.
When we finished the wind had dropped from a gale to a brisk breeze and we took out a rod and practiced casting in the driveway of the aquarium while we waited for our taxis. Kathryn tied our wrists to the rod to help each of practice the drop and pick up cast with proper form.
We stopped at Kathryn's home earlier in the day to do some beachcombing and tonight we returned to end our day with a pizza party and watch a documentary she made.
We all recieved hats and lanyards today. I wrapped up my evening by sharing a cup of tea with a couple of the ladies. On my way back to my room I noticed the clouds had cleared off and the sky was studded was stars. Hopefully tomorrow will dawn sunny and calm.

February 15
Our last day on the island. I don't know where the time has disappeared. Today we finally got to practice casting on water. We went back to Kathryn's beach where there is an old saltwater pool. It was still breezy and none of us had enough practice to actually cast with a hook on the line. But that's okay. I'm more interested in getting my form correct than I am at catching fish at this point. I was doing well enough with the basic cast that Kathryn suggested I practice roll casts, false casts and shooting the line. I ended up tucking my rod in my sleeve because I was "breaking" my wrist. It's something I'll have to work on when I return home. Already I feel more confident in my casts. They're more accurate and straight. I can't wait to get home and practice with my own rod.
When we finished casting we hurried to the airport. It was time to leave. I'm tired. We flew to Toronto and then my roomie and I had a lay-over before flying back to Nova Scotia. By the time I got home it was after 11.
I can't begin to express how much I've enjoyed my sojourn. Looking back, it certainly follows the framework of the Hero's Journey. I left my comfort zone, met new mentors, learned a new task and returned home with a new skill I need to learn to understand and practice.
My thanks to those who made the trip possible and blessings on the woman who particpated with me.

February Update

It's hard to believe it was a year ago when I started this journey. The journey started with my annual check up, which led to the mammogram and biopsy. The rest as they say, is history.

Today I finally got word on the next phase of the journey. Once again the Hero must must face new tests and challenges this time in the form of more surgery. On March 10 I'll have my oophorectomy and hysterectomy to remove the ovaries, fallopian tubs and uterus. This is to decrease my risk of developing ovarian cancer which is higher than average because of the BRCA1 gene.

I am scheduled to attend a pre-admission clinic on March 3 where I'll get all the details and instructions. I'll be glad to get this phase behind me and concentrate on getting back to work. I've been talking with my claims adjuster and we're looking at a slow and gradual return to the workplace. I'll probably start with only part days to begin with.

I recently attended a lympodema clinic where I learned how to manage risk-factors related to the disease. I also had base measurements taken and added to my file. The width of my arms was measured in several different places and a visual inspection of my chest, shoulders and back was also done.

Today I also had to renew my driver's licence. Fortunately my hair has grown back quite well. It is possible the picture on my licence is one of the best I've ever had taken. I can't believe how many people say the short hair suits me and I should keep it...Maybe I should. Let's face it, having a good photo on your licence is next to impossible.

Meanwhile the countdown is on...10 days and I'm on my way to Bermuda. I'm hoping for sunny days and lots of good fishing for the Casting for Recovery trip.

The Silver Lining

Having cancer was not on my life "to do" list. However, as with many bad experiences there is a silver lining. Last year I applied for and was selected to take part in a fly-fishing workshop, Casting for Recovery. This four-day event was originally scheduled for October in Ontario. Unfortunately the H1N1 flu put a temporary hold on the event. Organizers were worried about women with compromised immune systems travelling and potentially becoming ill.

The good news is the event is rescheduled for February and will take place in Bermuda. I'll leave Halifax on February 11 and fly to Toronto where I'll meet the rest of the group. From there we'll fly to Bermuda, where we'll stay at the Elbow Beach Resort near Hamilton. I'll be home again on February 15.

Rob will have to spend Valentine's Day by himself, but as he so wittingly points out it isn't as though we do much on the holiday made up by candy and card companies.

I don't yet know what we'll be fishing or what other activies we may be doing. I'll get a complete package in the mail this week. Regardless, I'm looking forward to a brief mid-winter break.

Happy New Year

I've just come in from the cold where I watched neighbours battling for supremacy in what turned out to be a pretty decent display of fireworks. It punctuates the fact that this year has been like a fireworks display...parts of it fizzled and parts of it made my mouth drop open in awe.

2009 was supposed to be my year. I turned 40, I was doing well career-wise, our financial house was in pretty good order, we were planning a trip to Newfoundland, we had all sorts of ideas about lots of golfing and fishing, plus we were blessed with family and friends. It all came to a grinding halt in February, when three weeks after my birthday I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I'm lucky...I'm still here to watch the fireworks almost a year later...and I revel in every puff of smoke and blaze of light across the sky. Even now, I rush from my computer because I've just heard the telltale pop of another rocket exploding.

I set my experience in the framework of the Hero's Journey, the structure which many popular movies and books use to move their plots. The journey was supported by mentors, teachers, friends and was fraught with challenges, tests and hardships along the way. The goal, to obtain, understand and use the elixir and return home a hero. So far so good.

We were lucky, and looking back I can see that. My cancer was probably caught at the right time (a little earlier might have been better, but a little later would have been worse). I was rushed through the hospital system and into the queue of people battling this disease from both sides. Many people are dismayed by our health care system -- the long wait times in emergency and difficulty accessing specialists (heck, difficulty accessing family doctors); but my experience was of a system which worked for me, when I really needed it.

I've just been randomly reading some of my posts from the past year (111 in all) and some of the comments written by those who followed my journey. I am blessed by the people who are in my life. Your thoughts, your prayers, your energy have all helped both me and Rob this year. Whether it was a card or a trinket, dinner or a movie, a blanket or a book, or simply a kind word -- many of you helped me as I wandered in the wilderness of illness.

Even this past week, during the busy holiday season I received cards from Lisa, Kathy W and Julie. Lisa included a Dairy Queen card in hers and instructions to treat myself to a Blizzard. This was in addition to more than twice the normal number of Christmas cards, with everyone wishing me the all the best and good health in 2010.

Among the cards was one from my aunt Joyce (my father's older sister). Included was a generous check and a note to say they normally donated to the Cancer Society but this year wanted to donate directly to someone affected by the disease. I was incredibly touched by this kind act. We are, however, lucky that this disease hardly impacted us financially. A few years ago that might not have been the case. We matched the contribution and sent it the Cancer Society. We've also started making a small monthly donation to the MS Society and I expect we'll do the same with the Arthritis Society (two diseases which have impacted the lives of people in our family).

I was also touched by the incredible kindness of Bonnie M. She's from my home church and has sent cards and trinkets several times this past year. One, an "angel" feather decorates my tree this year, and will for many more to come. She brought tears to my eyes Sunday when she presented me with a ragged tea cosy in the form of a droopy donkey (or lamb, we're not sure which). It belonged to my paternal grandmother and I played with it as a child. After she died, it was sold at the estate auction. I never thought to see it again, but on Sunday Bonnie handed me a tissue wrapped package, and there in its many layers was the donkey, its pale fur worn, its velvet base still soft and its head, as always, canted to one side. I will find a special place for it and it will bring a smile to my face for years to come. Thank you.

Thank you to all of you for your gestures both big and small. May 2010 bring you all health, happiness and prosperity. God bless you all.